REVIEW: Turkey Feast by Uppercrust

£5.49 – Turkey, stuffing, sausage, brie, spinach and cranberry sauce in a white baguette

If you follow me on Instagram, you would’ve seen my story yesterday where I stuffed a load of Christmas sandwiches into my bag around Paddington station. Yes, on my way back from Slough I went around all of the shops and stocked up. Except for Cafe Nero, which had run out, and Starbucks, which didn’t seem to make one. That was the second time I’ve been to both of them and they didn’t have any. Greggs has had two chances as well. Well fuck ’em, they’re all disqualified this year. If you don’t know what an Instagram story is, it was Facebook’s desperate attempt to emulate Snapchat because everyone under 25 was using that. If none of that makes any sense to you, you are probably better off. Web 2.0 was heralded as a revolution in user generated content and free expression, but all it did was reveal that people are either vain or racist. Or both. You’re both. North Korea, please free us from it all.

As you may be able to tell from the lighting in the photo, I had this baguette for dinner last night. Look what you have reduced me to too – carrying a baguette across the whole of London and eating it for my dinner. It’s pathetic really, Milhouse’s dad pathetic. You monsters. But Uppercrust was the Christmas sandwich of the year 2012, so I was looking forward to this. Uppercrust don’t give you a package with a list of ingredients on it, and there is nothing on the website, so I’ve had to compile that list which is why it wasn’t very fancy.

Now, since the giddy days of Olympic fever in 2012, Uppercrust has gone down in my estimations. If you’ve ever had one of their lukewarm breakfast muffins, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s actually pretty shit. How they expect a muffin to warm up in a microwave in 10 seconds, I don’t understand. Seriously, do not bother with it. But it’s been a long time since I had a baguette from them. You can’t mess that up, right? Oh.

This just tastes of their pretty manky sausages and very cold cheese, like one of their reheated breakfast muffins but with some cranberry in it. The stuffing and turkey are nowhere to be seen. Even the spinach doesn’t taste of anything. What has happened? Have a read of my glowing 2012 review (eurgh, precious clicks). The things that made it great 5 years – real cranberries, thick turkey, decent bacon and apple sauce – are all gone. They have been replaced with thinly sliced rubbish. And a really manky sausage. I’m a big sausage fan (matron), so if I think one looks and tastes manky, this means it is very bad. And the brie is awful too. A revised ingredients list would read:

Thinly sliced rubbish, stuffing (allegedly), manky sausage, gross brie, the only spinach in the world that does not taste of anything and happy shopper cranberry sauce in a white baguette

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

AN UPDATE SINCE I DRAFTED THIS LAST NIGHT: The cold brie and manky sausage repeated on me all night and made me feel quite horrible. This morning there were repercussions. Just avoid this at all costs.