Just a quick one today (matron). I’ve gotta get going to the Christmas party and I’m eating this ridiculously late.

I went to Greggs today but they had run because it was after 11.30, and then everything in Nero needing cooking and I didn’t have time so I ended up in Aldi. I didn’t even know they did sandwiches! There seems to be quite a difference between Canary Wharf (Waitrose, Pret) and Tooting (Lidl, Aldi). Let’s get on with it.

Turkey breast, pork, sage and onion stuffing, cranberry chutney, mayonnaise, smoked bacon and fried onion on malted bread.

This is good! For once you can taste the cranberry. Has the fact it is a chut-en-y made the difference? I don’t know. It’s pretty basic but hits all the right notes. Look at Aldi and Lidl jumping onto the blog and making a splash.

Right, I’m off to get drunk, byeeeeeee.

It’s Thursday! And you know what that means? It was Slimming World night last night. After eating a Christmas sandwich for lunch Monday to Wednesday, and drinking a ridiculous amount of booze on Friday and Saturday (not to mention drunken junk food), I figured I’d be putting on some weight this week. And to be honest, if I’m getting fat again from these sandwiches, the blog will be cancelled. So, braced for the worse, I got on the scales and…

-1.5lbs

Boom! The blog lives on. If I only have beer and sandwiches for the rest of the month, I’ll be fine. And don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted on my fluctuating weight as the month drags on. Anyway, Slimming World is next to Lidl and I was getting some shopping and lo and behold the sandwich gods shined upon me and they had some Christmas sandwiches! A first for the blog. Are you excited? I am! Let’s get this over with.

British turkey breast, British pork & onion sausage, British streaky bacon, British pork, sage & onion stuffing,  with caramelised onion & sage mayonnaise, cranberry sauce and fried onions on malted wheat bread.

Once again I have no idea how much this cost because it just got bundled in with the other shopping. Sometimes this blog just isn’t as professional as it should be. Anyway, go through the list of ingredients again. Is it important to you that all of the meat ingredients are British? Is that why you voted to leave and why the country is in a mess? Do you really like Boris or have you just backed yourself into a corner and can’t back down? But that’s not why we’re reading the ingredients again. There’s sausage in there! A bold move.

And I like it – this is a good sandwich. Big hits of sage and onion, the mayonnaise saves it from being dry like all of the other sandwiches so far, and that sausage just adds some extra meaty goodness. Sure it looks a bit grey, but I’m okay with that. My only gripe would be that you cannot taste that cranberry sauce at all but otherwise, this is high on the list. A fine debut for Lidl.

It’s the one you’re all waiting for (except the one person who has requested Greggs over Whatsapp).

I’m in Canary Wharf today, and they have a Veggie Pret. But before you get your Brexit voting knickers in a twist, fear not! There are 478,000 normal Prets here as well, so I’ve gone for their traditional favourite. And do you know what? I didn’t have one last year because I was trying the vegan stuff, and I didn’t have one the year before that because for some inexplicable reason I couldn’t find any (see posts from 2017 for more info – Ed). So the excitement is palpable. Except it isn’t really because I’m secretly writing this in a room full of clients and they have no idea I have been running this wretched blog on and off since 2012.

So without further ado – WILL YOU START THE FANS PLEASE?!

£3.95 – Thick slices of free range turkey with port & orange cranberry sauce, herby pork stuffing and baby spinach leaves. Finished with a dab of free range mayo and crispy onions

Turn the god-damned fans off! There’s stuffing and crispy onion everywhere! Yep, like a ghost of Christmas sandwiches past, the first thing that happened was that this motherfucker went everywhere when I opened it. There are crumbs on the client’s floor, mother!

It’s only 5p below that dreaded £4 threshold, but I am in Canary Wharf so if anyone can find one cheaper, write a comment below (and guys, don’t forget to like and subscribe). Although 50p of that did go to charity, I guess. You can’t really see the sticker in the photo I sneakily took in the middle of a meeting, but the writing on the box says “50p donated to help the homeless”. Why is “the” in italics? Is it a particular homeless? You know, that homeless. Or is it a bad translation like “Die Bart, Die”? Le homeless? My graphic design degree from the now-defunct Kent Institute of Art & Design finally comes to good use as I criticise sandwiches boxes to boost up my word count on this thing I do for free.

Back to the eating. The stuffing is very crumbly and dry. And there’s a lot of rubbery spinach buuuuuuuuuut…. it’s really good. Great flavours and big chunks of turkey, not like Sainbury’s wafer-thin slices of things yesterday. I’m glad I had a break from this one for a couple of years, it tastes great. Have Pret cheated their way to the top of the list so far simply because I haven’t had this sandwich for a few years? You bet baby, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And eating one of these sandwiches every day also makes the heart grow fatter. And weaker.

Oh hey there. So the Christmas sandwich thing kind of trailed off the week before Christmas because I spent most of it drunk. And then most of the Christmas break drunk. I didn’t even think about taking photos of any sandwiches. But for the sake of some sort of closure, I have ranked the Chirstmas sandwiches I did try. It’s what you all wanted after all.

1. Roast Turkey by Uppercrust
2. Christmas Lunch by Pret
3. Turkey Feast by Marks and Spencer
4. Christmas Full Works by Eat
5. Christmas Dinner Sandwich by Greggs
6. Turkey Feast by Boots
7. ‘Festive’ Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt Sub by Subway

There you go. Bye!

£4.39 – British roast turkey breast, stuffing, bacon, cranberry sauce, apple sauce, white baguette.

I have exhausted all of the sandwich places close to the office so had to venture further afield in the cold today and went to Uppercrust at Victoria station. A bit of a trek but that’s how dedicated I am to the cause. I’ve never bought anything from Uppercrust before (they shouldn’t put them next to a Burger King when I’m drunk) and looking at their wares over the counter it looked like I might be missing out. The Meat Feast Pizza baguette and Hog Roast baguettes caught my eye, so depending on how this goes, I might be going back there. Plus I get a whopping 20% off with my Bite card – a bargain in anyone’s eyes.

So looking at this sandwich, it looks pretty good. There are proper fillings in there – real cranberries in the cranberry sauce, actual real stuffing and decent bacon. Going on looks alone, I might be onto a winner. Unbelievebly it almosts looks like the photo on their adverts. Almost. Stupidly, I had it heated up without thinking that it is so BLOODY FREEZING today that it would be cold by the time I got back to my desk. Schoolboy error.

I’m a bit disappointed that the sandwich went cold, because this is a good one. It is filled with nice fillings that could be left over from a Christmas dinner, as opposed to thinly sliced rubbish, and tastes just like one you’d make at home. The apple sauce and the stuffing play perfectly off each other, the turkey and bacon are actually something you’d put into a sandwich and the crunchy baguette is so much better than the soggy bread usually holding your office lunch. Going on what I’ve tried so far, I’d say go for this sandwich. It’s a bit pricier than the rest, but totally worth it. I reckon it would taste even better warm, so eat yours immediately at the till in front of the woman’s face.

£2.60 – Turkey breast and pork, sage & onion stuffing with mayonnaise, cranberry sauce, sweetcured bacon and spinach on malted bread.

Today I’ve been to Boots. I was disappointed to find there wasn’t a Christmas sandwich in the Jamie Oliver range, because I’d like that. Again I nearly went for a Christmas sandwich triple pack, but on comparing fillings the turkey sandwich in the triple pack didn’t have bacon. I’m out! Maybe if I run out of traditional turkey sandwiches to try before Christmas I’ll hit some Christmas variant sandwiches. But not today.

So today’s sandwich comes in at the cheapest, but isn’t giving anything to a homeless charity. Tut tut, Boots! They have gone for the traditional fillings with some spinach thrown in and it’s in another boring red box, but at least it has a round window and a decoration pattern I guess. Lunchtimes are getting very repetitive this month. The box also says Delicious in big letters, so let’s find out…

Ah, so this is why it’s only £2.60 – it’s a bit light on the turkey and the very thin layer of cranberry sauce is barely noticeable. If anything, this tastes more like a bacon and (not much) jam sandwich. Not a horrible combination in itself (trust me), but considering it is the same fillings as most of the sandwiches I’ve tried so far this really doesn’t cut it. Surely a turkey feast should be overwhelmingly turkeyish. I’ve also just realised I can’t taste or even see the stuffing, and opening the sandwich reveals a very small amount thinly spread across one slice like some sort of stuffing spread. Do they make stuffing spread? Because it that did that would be good, but put about 10 times more in please.

£3 – Marinated roast British turkey, pork and chestnut stuffing, spiced cranberry chutney with smoked British bacon with mayonnaise on malted brown bread.

I understand some of you have been waiting for this one, so HERE WE GO!

I was tempted to buy the Christmas sandwich triple pack but I don’t like salmon so traditional turkey it is. And M&S have added their usual flair to this sandwich. Just look at the all the unnecessary sexy words in the fillings above. Read it in that sexy advert voice. It’s pretty much the same as Gregg’s sandwich but SEXIER! And look at the cheeky (green?) Santa on the box – no generic red box here. This one might be the best before I’ve even tasted it. Plus they are giving to a homeless charity as well (but their 5p is still not as impressive as Eat’s 25P).So how does it taste? Maybe slightly dry (which is probably better than soggy), but all the flavours are there enhanced by the cranberry which you can taste that bit of spice in. And unlike any other sandwich I’ve had so far this December, the bacon actually adds some texture to it. I did find it strange there was nothing green in the sandwich, but actually it doesn’t need it. This is like a quick Christmas sandwich you’ve knocked up on Boxing day and just went for the basics and it gets better with every bite. Good.

Stay tuned for more sandwiches tomorrow and don’t go looking for other reviews of Christmas sandwiches bashed out in 5 mins because this is the original and the best right here, okay?