REVIEW: Turkey Substack by Subway

So, I made it to the office yesterday. And after work we went for one drink, which is never one drink and turned into two. Then, during the second drink, Boris announced he was enacting Plan B to distract us all from the fact he had an illegal house party which means working from home next week (in the fucking flat) which also meant last night suddenly turned into our Christmas drinks because we won’t get another chance to have them. The classic London lash, creeping up on you out of nowhere because no one is driving so it doesn’t matter.

The unplanned lash also gave me some very vivid dreams last night. Sorry to write about my dreams but I must write something to pad this out. In the first one, I was systematically working my way through my friends and family and telling them I’ll never speak to them again, and each time I did this, the universe itself contracted until it was just me, alone, in a small black bubble in the cold void of space. Then the bubble finally collapsed, and I died. Very festive and nothing to worry about at all. Then I had another dream where I pimped out a camper van into the ultimate mobile cinema with the best surround system I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, onto the sandwich. Today I went to Subway. And on the way I stopped to look at a transit van and figure out if I really could make a cool mobile cinema and I think I can! Get 4 seats in (2 x 2), project onto the ‘wall’ behind the driver’s seat, the punters get in the side door, I provide the snacks and drive around whilst they watch a film. No booze though, we’re not stopping for piss breaks. What? Oh yes the sandwich.

Turkey and hashbrowns on Italian herb and cheese bread.

I went for a foot-long, of course, and I had it ‘cheese and toasted’, naturally, and added onions, mayo and, sigh, spinach because it’s the only vaguely Christmassy things they had. I know they’ve had cranberry sauce as a Christmas option in the past, but I haven’t seen that for years.

And it is only now that I am looking up the Turkey Subtack on their website that I realise I have made a horrible mistake – I was supposed to get the Tiger Pig! I even tweeted about it the other week. From their website: “Tuck into our giant pork sausage wrapped in streaky maple-cured bacon‡, topped with all the trimmings you desire.” Why didn’t I get this? Well, there was no signage for it at all, so I didn’t even think of it. But our neighbourhood is not a pork eating neighbourhood, if you catch my drift, so that’s no surpise. Our Subway only does turkey bacon. Which is fine, no one cares. If you don’t like it, don’t shop there you gammon faced idiot. But I am gutted I missed out on eating a foot of bacon and sausages for lunch. Especially after a few beers last night.

And so back to the Turkey Substack. Is it even a Christmas sandwich? Is this something they do all year? I have absolutely no idea, but review it I must. Before I went on the website, my tasting notes were: “As usual with Subway, the guy has put far too much mayo into this, and it’s the only thing you taste at first bite, but after that the warm hash browns come through and it’s quite nice. As ever with Subway, it’s not Christmassy at all. I know they tried, it’s turkey and potatoes, that’s some basics of Christmas dinner, but it needs more”. But now I’m not even sure if this is a Christmas sandwich. In which case, it’s a nice sandwich. And I wouldn’t have put fucking spinach in it, I’d have gone for some other extras. The integrity of the Christmas sandwich blog is suddenly in question. What’s real and what isn’t? I’m going for a lie down.

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