REVIEW: British Turkey Feast by Costa

Oh hey, how’s it going? Did you miss me yesterday? Where was I? Oh, I had some Koshari for lunch. You’ve probably never heard of it. SMUUUUUUUUUUUUG FACE. I remember someone at uni saying “You’ve probably never heard of them” about Junior Senior when Move Your Feet came out. Imagine that, trying to be a smug hipster at an art college about a band with a terrible song that got to number 3 in the charts. And it really is a terrible song. Who would listen to that on their own? It’s one of those songs you only hear in public or on adverts, never something you sit and listen to. Dreadful.

I’m in Canary Wharf again today, but I didn’t have to be at the client until 11am which gave me time to duck into Costa before the hordes of coffee addict basic bitches swarm down from the towers. Except I got stuck in a queue of 2 people who’s Apple pay was getting declined and they were debating how they will pay and who will transfer money to whom. Jesus christ I hate coffee shops. They are somewhere else you would hear that dreadful song and people would say “oh I remember that song, I love that song” but they never listened to it once. Never just sat down, on the bed, telly and phone off and just listened.

D-d-don’t, don’t stop the beat
I c-c-c-can’t control my feet
P-p-p-people in the streets
C’mon, everybody, and move your feet

Don’t stop (Don’t stop), don’t stop the beat
I can’t stop (Can’t stop), can’t stop the beat
I won’t stop (Won’t stop), won’t stop the beat, and go!

I’d fucking hang myself.

Anyway into the sandwich…and it’s the official Brexit Christmas sandwich! Most of the ingredient lists I’ve read this year have the word British in them over and over again but only Costa have the balls to call their whole damn sandwich British. And make the most of it people, because next year we’ll be stuffing Trump’s chlorine-bleached turkeys down our throats for Christmas because Brussels shouldn’t be setting our expensive food hygiene standards when there is food that is produced so disgustingly it as to be bleached before it is fit for human consumption that we can import on the cheap. RULE BRITANNIA YOU FUCKS.

Turkey breast, pork, sage and onion stuffing and cranberry sauce with smoked bacon and mayonnaise on malted bread.

The bread is about an hour away from being stale. How have they achieved this? On the other hand, the contents are a bit mushy and heading towards being a paste. It still tastes alright, but Costa has really put in the bare minimum of effort here and churned out some old slop but you’ll buy it because you need to get a coffee and whilst you are there you may as well get your lunch, saves you going to two places and you’ve got to get back for that meeting anyway and you can eat it in the meeting because no one has lunch hours any more because they are socialist and oh what’s that song? I remember that. I loved that song. I couldn’t name the artist and it’s not on my phone or Spotify history but oh why has my card been declined. Shit I don’t enough money for this and on top of that it’s Christmas and how has it come to this? Why is this my life now? The future looked so bright.

See you tomorrow!


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