Third Place Play-off: Lidl v Waitrose

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this through and it dawned on me last week that, under the rules of this World Cup of Christmas Sandwiches format, when we get to the third place play-off I would have already posted the reviews of both sandwiches vying for third place – Lidl and Waitrose – in their respective semi final loses. Unsure what to do, I ploughed on regardless and here we are. I guess I’ll just tell you who came third – it was Lidl.

Aware that this would be very underwhelming, I was hoping to have a bonus review to whack in today as a place near me was only doing their Christmas sandwich this week, far too late for the World Cup of Christmas Sandwiches, but they announced on Monday that it was cancelled. Not cancelled in the “saying something people under 30 don’t like” way, cancelled in the traditional “they are not doing it now” way. We do need to get the word count up a bit today for the adverts though. What can I review?

As I’ve already eaten 17 Christmas sandwiches, now live in a place where the snow didn’t instantly disappear and instead turned into ice for a week so I couldn’t run, and have had a cold for a good chunk of December so I haven’t gone to the gym either, I thought I’d better do something to prevent me putting on the Christmas weight before Christmas even arrives. So I decided to try out Huel – that wanky protein shake meal replacement thing you might have seen in your social media adverts that says it contains all the nutrients a human being needs. Huel is a portmanteau of human and fuel, because all new products must have a terrible name. It’s the sort of thing you’ll see Instagram gym wankers posing in the mirror whilst holding the branded bottle. Anyway, I ordered the starter bundle which contains their shakes, their hot and savoury food, their protein bars, a branded bottle for posing with and a t-shirt I’ll never wear outside of the house. Let’s do a quick review.

  • Huel Black – Salted Caramel (protein powder): Slim Fast for Instagram gym wankers.
  • Huel Hot & Savoury – Mac and Cheeze: Pot Noodle for Instagram gym wankers.
  • Huel Bars: I tried 4 flavours – Peanut Butter, Salted Caramel, Raspberry and Banoffee – and they all tasted like coffee, which I imagine Instagram gym wankers love because they are presumably also coffeee wankers. These were the worst protein bars I’ve ever tried, really gross.

So do yourself a favour, skip the Huel and get on the Slim Fast and Pot Noodles. Bombay Bad Boy for the win!

Right that should be enough words, see you tomorrow for the grand final: The Rye Cafe versus Jamie Oliver!


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