REVIEW: Veggie Festive Feast Flatbread by Caffe Nero

Roasted butternut squash with chestnut & puy lentil mix, pickled beetroot, cranberry vegan mayonnaise and salad leaves in a flatbread.

A short entry today because I spent most of my lunch break playing a card game for fat beardy virgins. The actual nearest place to the office is Caffe Nero and I can get there and back in the time it takes for a hobgoblin mage to defeat a cypto-fairy with the ancient artefact of Raknashka. SHAZAM! THE HOUSE OF AUGUSTUS IS MINE NOW.

It’s another vegan affair. Why not call it the Vegan Festive Feast? Because we all hate vegans, that’s why. And today is my first go with vegan mayonnaise. What is vegan mayo made out of? Even vegans have told me it’s awful. As a fat oaf, I think reduced fat mayonnaise is disgusting. GIVE ME THAT FULL EGG FAT [SEXUAL GRUNTING NOISE]. Today I’m finally going to find out for myself just how bad it is. On to the sandwich.

So, the big cold chunks of butternut squash are a bit much and probably not soft enough, and it feels like you are eating them straight from the veg aisle in Sainsbury’s like a horse that has got loose and wandered into the supermarket, confusing the local shoppers who have never seen a horse in real life and are both scared and confused by just how large they are and not sure what to do except to get their phones out, film the horse and pray to their god(s) that this video goes viral and gets them on the news and finally this is their meal ticket out of here but they’ve never been around a horse before and they walk behind it and you shouldn’t do that and it kicks them POW straight in the kisser sending them tumbling in a display of melons and instead someone else’s video ‘GIRL KICKED INTO MELONS BY HORSE EPIC FAIL’ goes viral instead. The horse is called Bagdemagus.

Remember when I mentioned the vegan mayo? Well, I still don’t know what it tastes like because everything in this wrap just tastes of pickled beetroot. But only if you could find any filling in the TOO MUCH FLATBREAD. Seriously, most of the time it just felt like eating a bread wrapped in bread wrap. So that’s your vegan Christmas from Nero. Is a loaf of bread with a single pickled beetroot baked into the middle a traditional vegan Christmas lunch? If it is, I take back what I said yesterday our meat-free future – the vegans must be stopped at all costs.