REVIEW: A Selection of M&S Christmas Alternatives

I think I have mentioned before that I live between two high streets. Well today I had to nip over to a post office, and I went to the high street where the post office has a convenient self-service machine that confuses the befuddled old farts that tend to hang around the post office. So while they are queuing up to take 15 minutes each to buy a stamp, I jump on that, scan, stick, post and done. Why am I telling you this? Because I have exhausted all of the sandwiches on that high street.

Desperate, I tried a newsagents that had sandwiches advertised outside. Unable to find them, the man behind the counter asked me what I’m looking for. I’m not really sure what happened next. For some reason, I panicked and asked for videogame magazine Edge, which I know full well he doesn’t have because I’ve been there before. And that is why I asked for it, so I wouldn’t have to buy anything. Why didn’t I ask for sandwiches? Why was I flustered like a teenager buying a porno mag? I guess we’ll never know but I suspect an impending full mental breakdown is the answer. I left. I also tried an off-licence and the International Supermarket where I was eyed up very suspiciously for wandering in, buying nothing and walking straight out.

Earlier this week, I remembered there is a Starbucks on the other high street – possibly the last vestige of a local pre-package Christmas sandwiches. I checked to see how long the bus was, but it was far too long and would make this too much of an epic journey for a sodding sandwich. So I went to M&S and bought a load of their other Christmas crap. HAPPY NOW?

Christmas Turkey Wrap – £3.00

Roast Turkey Breast, Brussels sprout slaw, parsnip mayonnaise, pork, sage and onion stuffing, cranberry chutney, spinach, smoked British bacon and fried onions on a barmarked tortilla wheatflour wrap.

What the fuck is a ‘barmakred’ wrap? Does it mean that it has been on a grill for a bit? And can we ban the word ‘slaw’? Although the sprouts and parsnip mayonnaise do make this (at least they didn’t say mayo, I guess). This would be a contender if this was the Christmas Wrap Review blog. But it ain’t though. Go out and try it tomorrow regardless.

Turkey, Pork and Cranberry Runny Scotch Egg – £2.00

Great combination of flavours but cold and runny just ain’t right.

Turkey, Bacon & Cranberry Sausage Roll – £1.75

I was recently quite drunk in Hackney and I recall a small Turkish man with a fez and pointy shoes telling me I should review this. “It’s not a sandwich tho bruv, is it tho?” I replied. Little did I know his mystical prophecy would come to pass. Tastes like a slightly sweet sausage roll. Which is good.