I think I have mentioned before that I live between two high streets. Well today I had to nip over to a post office, and I went to the high street where the post office has a convenient self-service machine that confuses the befuddled old farts that tend to hang around the post office. So while they are queuing up to take 15 minutes each to buy a stamp, I jump on that, scan, stick, post and done. Why am I telling you this? Because I have exhausted all of the sandwiches on that high street.

Desperate, I tried a newsagents that had sandwiches advertised outside. Unable to find them, the man behind the counter asked me what I’m looking for. I’m not really sure what happened next.For some reason, I panicked and asked for videogame magazine Edge, which I know full well he doesn’t have because I’ve been there before. And that is why I asked for it, so I wouldn’t have to buy anything. Why didn’t I ask for sandwiches? Why was I flustered like a teenager buying a porno mag? I guess we’ll never know but I suspect an impending full mental breakdown is the answer. I left. I also tried an off-licence and the International Supermarket where I was eyed up very suspiciously for wandering in, buying nothing and walking straight out.

Earlier this week, I remembered there is a Starbucks on the other high street – possibly the last vestige of a local pre-package Christmas sandwiches. I checked to see how long the bus was, but it was far too long and would make this too much of an epic journey for a sodding sandwich. So I went to M&S and bought a load of their other Christmas crap. HAPPY NOW?

Christmas Turkey Wrap – £3.00

Roast Turkey Breast, Brussels sprout slaw, parsnip mayonnaise, pork, sage and onion stuffing, cranberry chutney, spinach, smoked British bacon and fried onions on a barmarked tortilla wheatflour wrap.

What the fuck is a ‘barmakred’ wrap? Does it mean that it has been on a grill for a bit? And can we ban the word ‘slaw’? Although the sprouts and parsnip mayonnaise do make this (at least they didn’t say mayo, I guess). This would be a contender if this was the Christmas Wrap Review blog. But it ain’t though. Go out and try it tomorrow regardless.

Turkey, Pork and Cranberry Runny Scotch Egg – £2.00

Great combination of flavours but cold and runny just ain’t right.

Turkey, Bacon & Cranberry Sausage Roll – £1.75

I was recently quite drunk in Hackney and I recall a small Turkish man with a fez and pointy shoes telling me I should review this. “It’s not a sandwich tho bruv, is it tho?” I replied. Little did I know his mystical prophecy would come to pass. Tastes like a slightly sweet sausage roll. Which is good.