REVIEW: Turkey Breast SubStack (Delivered) by Subway

After joining the prole queue in Greggs yesterday, I’ve gone to the other send of the scale today. No, not Subway. But getting a Subway delivered – the domain of the lazy millennial with more money than sense.

Let’s get this out of the way. I hate Deliveroo and everything it stands for. I am a hungry man, and I eat my fair share of takeaway deliveries, but I’m talking Chinese, Indian or pizza places that have always been geared up for takeaway delivery. When Deliveroo started their gimmick was delivering food from restaurants that wouldn’t normally deliver. A great idea in theory, but it has ruined both takeaway delivery and eating in restaurants. I have bad experiences both delivered and whilst eating out. I’ve had burgers delivered with a ball of cling film in the middle and onion rings with flying ants in them but those are extreme cases. Normally the problem is the food is lukewarm or squashed because the restaurant doesn’t normally do takeaway. The other side of this is that I have been out to dinner and the staff have taken ages to serve or bring new drinks and then served luke warm food because the urgency to get food out to the queue of Deliveroo drivers around the door is more important – they don’t want bad reviews in the app! The app is more important than the customers paying for a few courses and rounds of drinks which will come to more money on the premises. It’s infuriating! By catering to lazy middle class fucks who can’t be bothered to go out, you are causing the people at home and the people in the restaurant to have an inferior experience. That’s progress for you.

The next thing I hate about Deliveroo is how expensive it is. The restaurant makes a mark up, Deliveroo adds their fee and you have to give a tip to the poor below minimum wage fucker delivering your £30 burger to your fat hands because otherwise you are a monster. I thought millennials were all supposed to hate capitalism, spend their money ethically and care about the poverty line, but they sure don’t fucking care when it’s convenient to get food delivered for double it’s price, or a taxi for half the price of a black cab.

Finally, now that the likes of McDonald’s, KFC and Subway are in on the delivery thing, I’m just amazed how much money people are willing to spend to get it delivered. You are looking at spending about £6 for a meal if you go to any of those places, and you are at least doubling that if you get it delivered. And to emphasise this point, today’s sandwich cost £10.08 to get delivered. £10.08! And the Christmas sandwich wasn’t eligible for meal deals, so that’s £10.08 for just a sandwich. That’s insane! It’s a tired cliche, but if you whining millennial and gen z fucks are getting Deliveroo 3 or 4 times a week, no wonder you can’t afford a fucking house! It’s also obscene when you think of the big campaigns this year by Marcus Rashford et al around families unable to feed their kids in the school holidays thanks to a whole combination of terrible shit this year. So I’m going to donate £50 to offset this disgraceful and shameful lunchtime where a man paid over a tenner to get a sandwich delivered and that £10 could buy food that last’s a couple of days for someone struggling.

Finally, I also hate Just Eat because they turned me down for a job at final interview stage a few years ago, so I used Hungry House to spite them and then they bought Hungry House leaving me no choice but to use Just Eat. “Checkmate, you fat fuck” I imagine they said as they signed the contract. What? I could just phone the takeaway? Fuck off, I don’t want to talk to anyone, it’s much more convenient to use order in an app.

After all that, a full disclosure: I do use Uber and I’ve had two KFC’s delivered during the lockdown through Deliveroo because I got sucked in by advertising and was probably hungover. No McDonald’s though, I’m not animal. And I deleted Deliveroo straight afterwards. Today I used Just Eat and this is the first and last time I get Subway delivered.

Juicy sliced turkey breast, crispy hash browns and fresh veggies.

Regarding the ingredients list – the fresh veggies are the salad chosen by the customer, so this is essentially a turkey and hash brown sandwich. For the record, I have added cheese, spinach and crispy onions with some sweet onion sauce to try to make it a bit like a Christmas sandwich. They didn’t even have a cranberry sauce option! Oh and I went for the Italian herb and cheese bread because why would you go for anything else?

So the good news is… the sandwich is very warm! I thought getting a toasted sandwich delivered might be a risk but it’s good. But then look at the fancy recyclable box it got delivered in! I also took a risk putting spinach in the sandwich because I usually moan about spinach in Christmas sandwiches, but again that hasn’t been a problem. I have to say, I really like this sandwich! I feel like they have gone down the literal turkey dinner route but shoving turkey and potatoes in a sandwich, but the turkey genuinely is ‘juicy’ as described, the hash browns are real nice and the sweet onion sauce really brings them together (but the sauce was my idea). Godammit, after all that moaning they’ve provided something I really like. Definitely not worth over a tenner though.

And that’s it for this year, stay tuned for Annual International Christmas Sandwich Blog Awards and the final rankings, which are going to be a right mess as there has been no consistency at all this year.

UPDATE: For fuck’s sake!

I feel like a cunt.

Donate something if you can https://fareshare.org.uk/no-one-should-go-hungry-this-christmas/

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