The Offical 2019 Christmas Sandwich Rankings

I know you just all want a simple list of sandwiches to read in order of preference, so here you go.

  1. Turkey Feast by Boots
  2. Pret’s Christmas Lunch by Pret
  3. Festive Turkey by Lidl
  4. Turkey Sandwich by City Cruises
  5. Turkey Fest by Aldi
  6. Turkey, Stuffing & Bacon by Waitrose
  7. Turkey & Trimmings by Tesco
  8. Turkey, Bacon & Cranberry by Sainsbury’s
  9. British Turkey Feast by Costa
  10. Christmas Lunch by Greggs

Who would’ve thought that Boots would top the table two years in a row?! And look at poor old Greggs going from second in 2017 to last now. Sort it out, Greggs.

The Christmas Sandwich Awards 2019

There will be rankings. Oh yes, there will be rankings. But before, let’s have some awards so that everyone feels special. To present the awards, I am handing over to special guest blogger, TOWIE’s Gemma Collins. Take it away, Gemma.

“Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh”

Thanks Gemma.

Best Overall Sandwich

Winner: Turkey Feast by Boots

Runner Up: Pret’s Christmas Lunch by… Pret (duh)

Smokiest Bacon Award

Turkey Feast by Boots

Least Original Name Award

Winner: Turkey Feast by AldiBoots, and Costa

Runner Up: Christmas Lunch by Pret and Greggs

Shall We Just Name It After The Filling Award

Winner: Turkey, Stuffing & Bacon by Waitrose

Highly Commended: Turkey, Bacon & Cranberry by Sainsbury’s

Most Shocking Good New Entry

Festive Turkey by Lidl

Most Boring Cunts for Churning Out The Same Sandwich for 4 Years And Driving Me to Veganism Last Year Most Valued Sponsor Award

Turkey & Trimmings by Tesco

Most Nautical Award

Turkey Sandwich by City Cruises

 

SPONSORED REVIEW: Turkey Tikka with Onion Bhaji by Tesco

“But you’ve already done Tesco”. Quiet you entitled swine. Here I am, (almost) everyday spending my own hard-earned cash on sandwiches for a couple of people to read about and yet you still demand more from me. Well, that’s all about to change! I don’t need you any more, I’ve made it. For the first time since 2013, I have been given something to review. That’s right, the good people of Tesco have asked me to review something. I know, I can’t believe it either! But here is the proof.

And they sent me a £3 voucher. I wonder if they bothered to read the review of their sandwich. Either way, I don’t care. I am an internet influencer now and qualify for Celebrity Big Brother.

But this newfound fame is also the reason there were no reviews from Wednesday – Friday last week. On Wednesday, armed with my precious voucher, I went to the Tesco Metro in Canary Wharf to find this fabled Yorkshire pudding wrap but they only had turkey sandwiches, turkey rolls and turkey wraps. All with pretty much the same ingredients. Never mind, there are plenty more Tescos in the sea. So on Thursday, I tried both Tesco Metros in Tooting. Only turkey sandwiches again. On Friday I simply couldn’t be bothered, so we come to Sunday. On Sunday I tried one by Lambeth North tube station (where they had run out of turkey sandwiches) and then another one outside Waterloo where I found the Turkey Tikka wrap. That’ll do pig I thought to myself and here we are. In fact, the mythical Yorkshire pudding wrap didn’t even have a space on the shelf in the five Tescos I had tried. Is this is it Tesco? You dangle £3 in front of me and send me on a wild goose chase in an attempt to hijack my sandwich blog? Is that how this works you ars…oh wait they are paying for this. Wonderful lovely Tesco.

So I went for a meal deal to get the most bang for my buck and picked up an ‘iced’ tea and beef hula hoops. I have a weird thing with beef hula hoops. Ever since I was a kid I try to get the whole pack in my mouth and mush them up in the sides of my mouth like a hamster until there is just a big ball of potato mush with an intense beef flavour. And I still do it. I don’t do this with any other crisps or any other hula hoop flavours. If you know why this is, please share with the group. Onto the wrap!

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Indian spiced tortilla, turkey, onion bhaji and spinach with a tikka mayonnaise dressing.

It’s good. The generic curry flavour is nice, and there is a bit of crunch from the bhaji. But does it need to be turkey? Is it a Christmas wrap? Why have I wasted my time on this rather than getting a sandwich from M&S, EAT, Starbucks and a few other regulars? Oh yeah, because TESCO PAID ME TO REVIEW A SANDWICH. Take note, other shops.

That’ll do for this year. Have a good non-denominational winter period.

REVIEW: Christmas Lunch by Greggs

It’s the sandwich people (1 person) have been asking for, and it’s been hard to find because Greggs seem to sell out of everything by 11.58am every day. But on Friday night, I walked past Greggs at about 6pm and what did I see? Not one, but two Christmas sandwiches! So I got one and took it home for later. I didn’t fancy it for dinner on Friday (I’m not an animal) so put it in the fridge. On Saturday I had to head out for boat trip and didn’t get a chance to eat it, and then on Sunday, I was heading out all day again with my family and didn’t really have time to eat it. So, I had it for breakfast on Sunday (I am an animal).

Now, I know what you are thinking. The Monday blog post was about Saturday, and the Tuesday blog post is about Friday night and Sunday morning? None of this makes sense. How are we supposed to follow this?! He died earlier, how is he back now? And why are films always so dark now? You can’t see anything. It’s a non-linear narrative, dad. It requires a slight bit of work from you but not much. Go back to sleep.

Turkey breast, sweetcure bacon, pork, onion and sage stuffing and cranberry & port sauce with mixed salad leaves and mayonnaise in malted brown bread.

So, this is a letdown. Everything about this sandwich is bland. The stuffing doesn’t taste of much, the cranberry sauce is null and void. It just tastes like any old chicken and bacon sandwich you can get all year round. ‘Top of your Christmas lunch list’ the packaging boldly claims. Unlikely. Greggs came second in 2017, narrowly missing out on the top spot and I sang their praises. And now this. It’s not the worst, but it’s such a disappointment. It’s gone full-blown Arsenal.

REVIEW: Turkey Sandwich by City Cruises

Well, well, well, this is a surprise entry. On Saturday we took my girlfriend’s mum out for an afternoon tea cruise down the Thames and when the sandwiches, cakes and scones came out in the standard stacked plates they were accompanied by a sneaky little side plate – “and this is the Christmas turkey sandwich”. How did they know?! Did they even do turkey sandwiches before they saw me queuing on the jetty? Quickly, the Christmas sandwich review blog guy is here, this is our chance to make it onto the blog and get some free advertising. What a smart move, another a third new entry on this year’s list. All these rookies crawling out of the woodwork are making my life a lot easier!

I am going to have to guess the list of ingredients for this one, but I can say for sure that there was turkey, stuffing, bacon, spinach, cranberry and some sort of mayonnaise. But only one triangle each, as is a tradition on afternoon tea. Do you know what isn’t tradition on afternoon tea? Only having a choice or pre-made tea or coffee poured from jugs. Where’s my chai tea? Or the bloody Mary tea? Yeah, that’s right, I’m a hipster and I want silly tea.

 

So onto the sandwich – and it was very good and pretty over stuffed. Nice consistency, all the flavours coming through well including the cranberry but there was one big flavour punching through – the bacon. It seriously tasted like bacon bits in the sandwich, and that’s great. Why has no one else done this? A nice salty hit of seriously crispy bacon. This might the missing ingredient for a lot of sandwiches.

REVIEW: Turkey & Trimmings by Tesco

Well I’m wanking working from home today and it’s pretty miserable outside but I had to go out to vote and there is a Tesco Express nearby, so that was everything sorted out in one cold wet walk. Did you vote? Did you mention you are voting on social media? Did you post a selfie by the polling station? Did you tell everyone how important it is to vote to make yourself look smart? Did you tell people which way to vote but made no mention of your party’s policies, only saying nasty things about the other party? Were your friends impressed? Did you get some likes? Do you feel special?

I’ll tell you what isn’t special – Christmas sandwiches aren’t special to Tesco. They have churned out the same sandwich for the past 4 years. This sandwich is the reason I tried vegan sandwiches for a change last year. But this is your fault. You wonder how we can save the high street, but I don’t care, let it burn. You don’t buy anything from independent shops, then we end up with the same shops everywhere, selling the same old shit in every high street and town in this shitty old country. And then you don’t buy anything from them anyway, you just shop online. I know how to save the high street and if you ever see me IRL (in real life, mum) I’ll tell you. In boring detail. But this is a light-hearted Christmas sandwich blog, this isn’t the time or place.

Turkey breast, chicken stock mayonnaise, pork sausage, cranberry sauce, sage and onion stuffing, beechwood smoked streaky bacon on malted bread.

Having said all that it’s still pretty good! Let’s have the same again next year so I don’t have to use my brain.

 

 

REVIEW: British Turkey Feast by Costa

Oh hey, how’s it going? Did you miss me yesterday? Where was I? Oh, I had some Koshari for lunch. You’ve probably never heard of it. SMUUUUUUUUUUUUG FACE. I remember someone at uni saying “You’ve probably never heard of them” about Junior Senior when Move Your Feet came out. Imagine that, trying to be a smug hipster at an art college about a band with a terrible song that got to number 3 in the charts. And it really is a terrible song. Who would listen to that on their own? It’s one of those songs you only hear in public or on adverts, never something you sit and listen to. Dreadful.

I’m in Canary Wharf again today, but I didn’t have to be at the client until 11am which gave me time to duck into Costa before the hordes of coffee addict basic bitches swarm down from the towers. Except I got stuck in a queue of 2 people who’s Apple pay was getting declined and they were debating how they will pay and who will transfer money to whom. Jesus christ I hate coffee shops. They are somewhere else you would hear that dreadful song and people would say “oh I remember that song, I love that song” but they never listened to it once. Never just sat down, on the bed, telly and phone off and just listened.

D-d-don’t, don’t stop the beat
I c-c-c-can’t control my feet
P-p-p-people in the streets
C’mon, everybody, and move your feet

Don’t stop (Don’t stop), don’t stop the beat
I can’t stop (Can’t stop), can’t stop the beat
I won’t stop (Won’t stop), won’t stop the beat, and go!

I’d fucking hang myself.

Anyway into the sandwich…and it’s the official Brexit Christmas sandwich! Most of the ingredient lists I’ve read this year have the word British in them over and over again but only Costa have the balls to call their whole damn sandwich British. And make the most of it people, because next year we’ll be stuffing Trump’s chlorine-bleached turkeys down our throats for Christmas because Brussels shouldn’t be setting our expensive food hygiene standards when there is food that is produced so disgustingly it as to be bleached before it is fit for human consumption that we can import on the cheap. RULE BRITANNIA YOU FUCKS.

Turkey breast, pork, sage and onion stuffing and cranberry sauce with smoked bacon and mayonnaise on malted bread.

The bread is about an hour away from being stale. How have they achieved this? On the other hand, the contents are a bit mushy and heading towards being a paste. It still tastes alright, but Costa has really put in the bare minimum of effort here and churned out some old slop but you’ll buy it because you need to get a coffee and whilst you are there you may as well get your lunch, saves you going to two places and you’ve got to get back for that meeting anyway and you can eat it in the meeting because no one has lunch hours any more because they are socialist and oh what’s that song? I remember that. I loved that song. I couldn’t name the artist and it’s not on my phone or Spotify history but oh why has my card been declined. Shit I don’t enough money for this and on top of that it’s Christmas and how has it come to this? Why is this my life now? The future looked so bright.

See you tomorrow!