REVIEW: Turkey Fest by Aldi

Just a quick one today (matron). I’ve gotta get going to the Christmas party and I’m eating this ridiculously late.

I went to Greggs today but they had run because it was after 11.30, and then everything in Nero needing cooking and I didn’t have time so I ended up in Aldi. I didn’t even know they did sandwiches! There seems to be quite a difference between Canary Wharf (Waitrose, Pret) and Tooting (Lidl, Aldi). Let’s get on with it.

Turkey breast, pork, sage and onion stuffing, cranberry chutney, mayonnaise, smoked bacon and fried onion on malted bread.

This is good! For once you can taste the cranberry. Has the fact it is a chut-en-y made the difference? I don’t know. It’s pretty basic but hits all the right notes. Look at Aldi and Lidl jumping onto the blog and making a splash.

Right, I’m off to get drunk, byeeeeeee.

REVIEW: Festive Turkey by Lidl

It’s Thursday! And you know what that means? It was Slimming World night last night. After eating a Christmas sandwich for lunch Monday to Wednesday, and drinking a ridiculous amount of booze on Friday and Saturday (not to mention drunken junk food), I figured I’d be putting on some weight this week. And to be honest, if I’m getting fat again from these sandwiches, the blog will be cancelled. So, braced for the worse, I got on the scales and…


Boom! The blog lives on. If I only have beer and sandwiches for the rest of the month, I’ll be fine. And don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted on my fluctuating weight as the month drags on. Anyway, Slimming World is next to Lidl and I was getting some shopping and lo and behold the sandwich gods shined upon me and they had some Christmas sandwiches! A first for the blog. Are you excited? I am! Let’s get this over with.

British turkey breast, British pork & onion sausage, British streaky bacon, British pork, sage & onion stuffing,  with caramelised onion & sage mayonnaise, cranberry sauce and fried onions on malted wheat bread.

Once again I have no idea how much this cost because it just got bundled in with the other shopping. Sometimes this blog just isn’t as professional as it should be. Anyway, go through the list of ingredients again. Is it important to you that all of the meat ingredients are British? Is that why you voted to leave and why the country is in a mess? Do you really like Boris or have you just backed yourself into a corner and can’t back down? But that’s not why we’re reading the ingredients again. There’s sausage in there! A bold move.

And I like it – this is a good sandwich. Big hits of sage and onion, the mayonnaise saves it from being dry like all of the other sandwiches so far, and that sausage just adds some extra meaty goodness. Sure it looks a bit grey, but I’m okay with that. My only gripe would be that you cannot taste that cranberry sauce at all but otherwise, this is high on the list. A fine debut for Lidl.

REVIEW: Pret’s Christmas Lunch by… Pret (duh)

It’s the one you’re all waiting for (except the one person who has requested Greggs over Whatsapp).

I’m in Canary Wharf today, and they have a Veggie Pret. But before you get your Brexit voting knickers in a twist, fear not! There are 478,000 normal Prets here as well, so I’ve gone for their traditional favourite. And do you know what? I didn’t have one last year because I was trying the vegan stuff, and I didn’t have one the year before that because for some inexplicable reason I couldn’t find any (see posts from 2017 for more info – Ed). So the excitement is palpable. Except it isn’t really because I’m secretly writing this in a room full of clients and they have no idea I have been running this wretched blog on and off since 2012.

So without further ado – WILL YOU START THE FANS PLEASE?!

£3.95 – Thick slices of free range turkey with port & orange cranberry sauce, herby pork stuffing and baby spinach leaves. Finished with a dab of free range mayo and crispy onions

Turn the god-damned fans off! There’s stuffing and crispy onion everywhere! Yep, like a ghost of Christmas sandwiches past, the first thing that happened was that this motherfucker went everywhere when I opened it. There are crumbs on the client’s floor, mother!

It’s only 5p below that dreaded £4 threshold, but I am in Canary Wharf so if anyone can find one cheaper, write a comment below (and guys, don’t forget to like and subscribe). Although 50p of that did go to charity, I guess. You can’t really see the sticker in the photo I sneakily took in the middle of a meeting, but the writing on the box says “50p donated to help the homeless”. Why is “the” in italics? Is it a particular homeless? You know, that homeless. Or is it a bad translation like “Die Bart, Die”? Le homeless? My graphic design degree from the now-defunct Kent Institute of Art & Design finally comes to good use as I criticise sandwiches boxes to boost up my word count on this thing I do for free.

Back to the eating. The stuffing is very crumbly and dry. And there’s a lot of rubbery spinach buuuuuuuuuut…. it’s really good. Great flavours and big chunks of turkey, not like Sainbury’s wafer-thin slices of things yesterday. I’m glad I had a break from this one for a couple of years, it tastes great. Have Pret cheated their way to the top of the list so far simply because I haven’t had this sandwich for a few years? You bet baby, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And eating one of these sandwiches every day also makes the heart grow fatter. And weaker.

REVIEW: Turkey, Bacon & Cranberry by Sainsbury’s

Well, the blog is running late today which is like totally ironic because I bought this sandwich whilst walking home from the station to save time today. And I’ve completely forgotten the price.  And there’s no time for some rambling about my life. Anyway, let’s crack on.

Looking at previous years, Sainsbury’s always seems to be second from bottom on the annual rankings. HOW HAVE THEY DONE THIS YEAR?


British smoked turkey breast with cranberry chutney and maple-cured smoked British bacon on malted bread.

Well at least they changed it up this year, that buys you a lot of points on this blog nowadays. At least I think they have, the Sainsburys I went to is pretty small and maybe there are more options in bigger stores. But I don’t really care, here we are, finish it.

On one hand, they have kept it simple – there’s no spinach which has been their downfall in previous years. But no the other hand – where is the stuffing?! And there are meagre amounts of everything else. But, it is passable. A functional sandwich. No frills, but meets the minimum requirements. A basic bitch.

REVIEW: Turkey, Stuffing & Bacon by Waitrose

We’re back! Did you think I’d abandoned you yesterday on 1st December? Fear not my pretties, it was Sunday and I couldn’t be bothered.

This December I am working in Canary Wharf on Mondays and Wednesdays, and mixing it up between the office in London Bridge and working from home in Tooting for the rest of the week, so there is a nice range of exactly the same shops in all three places to buy exactly the same pre-packaged Christmas sandwiches as the past 4 years. I’ve really been looking forward to doing this again. At least I tried the vegan ones last year for a bit of a change, but it’s back to good old animal cruelty climate-destroying meat for me this year.

As an added bonus this year, anyone who has seen me IRL (in real life, mum) for the past six months will probably have heard me bang on about losing 2 stone by going Slimming World with the missus. Well, I’m still trying to lose another half a stone. Can that be done before Christmas? Especially whilst eating sandwiches that always have red highlights on the nutrition warning bit of the packaging? Join me and watch as I put my own health goals on hold so all 8 of you have something to read at lunchtime.

Anyway, I’m in Canary Wharf and as tradition dictates the nearest shop (and hence the first sandwich) is…Waitrose! Traditionally a strong contender coming 3rd in 2013, 2nd in 2016 and 4th in 2017. Let’s see how it does this year!

£3.50 – Turkey breast, pork and chestnut stuffing and smoked bacon with cranberry, port and orange chutney and mayonnaise in sliced malted bread.

Yes, it’s exactly the same as 2017. Which was the same as 2016. 4 years in a row with no imagination. Nothing ever changes. It’s still good (maybe a bit drier than usual) but come on, I’m trying to write a mildly amusing blog here. Also, each time I eat one of these, I’m blowing all of my fat, sugar and general bad stuff allowance for the day. I can’t even have a beer now. Or a Muller Light! You’ve fucked me Waitrose. How could you do this to me? I thought we were friends.

Here’s to another year of this slowly petering out without a conclusion in December…