REVIEW: British Turkey Feast by Costa

img_8390£3.50 – sliced turkey breast, Cumberland sausage and British beechwood smoked streaky with sage and onion stuffing, mayonnaise and cranberry sauce on malted bread.

Another turkey feast? NO! A British turkey feast. This is what we all voted for! As someone quipped in the Facebook comments, make turkey sandwiches great again. When I first picked it up, I thought the sandwich had been blessed with a post-Brexit Toblerlone reduction in size (they’re too bloody big if you ask me, decadent).

But then I realised that Costa have done something crazy – it’s a pre-packaged shop bought sandwich that has been cut into rectangles not triangles! That’s why it seems smaller. But have they gone too far? Or are rectangles normal in a coffee shop? I don’t go in coffee shops because coffee is one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted. Same with cucumber. What’s wrong with you people? Anyway, onto the tiny rectangular sandwich…

I was hoping the added bonus of sausage would add something special to this, but really it hasn’t shown up and just seems lost in there amongst everything else. Hiding. The Theo Walcott of sausages. Otherwise though, it’s a decent Christmas sandwich that you can’t really go wrong with. Look at the ingredients again, there is nothing that really stands out, nothing experimental (and thankfully no spinach). And this both the biggest strength and weakness of this sandwich. A solid workman like performance, but it won’t be winning any silverware. Everton.


REVIEW: Turkey Feast by M&S

£3.25 – Roast British turkey breast with pork, sage and onion stuffing, cranberry chutney, smoked British bacon and mayonnaise on malted brown bread.

Another Turkey Feast! Just goes to show that there are no original ideas anymore. Although looking back, it’s the same name as 2012 so I guess it is consistency. Or maybe it’s a reboot of the 2012 version, with an all-female cast to upset one set of pathetic internet losers who’ve never had sex and make another set of internet losers who are trying to have sex give themselves an undeserved pat on the back for casting decisions they had no part in. I preferred nice post-Olympic 2012 when we were all happy basking in the glow of a great summer and not showing off on Twitter and threatening each other.

This Turkey Feast is almost one whole pound more expensive than Sainsbury’s. But 5% of that goes to Shelter. Which is only 16p. Something doesn’t add up. The packing is definitely more than 5% Shelter. And look at the sandwich stuffed in there, it looks pretty packed full of ingredients. Shall we begin?

WHOA! There’s even Shelter facts inside the packet! Took me by surprise. SHUT UP AND TELL US ABOUT THE SANDWICH I can hear you cry. Oh alright then. The balance in this sandwich is slightly off. I’m glad it’s not slopping ingredients out all over the place, but it’s just a little bit too dry for something that has mayonnaise and chutney in it. How have they managed this? Flavour wise it’s good, great stuffing (matron) but I just wish it was a bit moister (she knows). But hey at least they haven’t sneaked any spinach in.

REVIEW: Turkey Feast by Sainsbury’s

img_8369£2.30 – Butter basted British turkey breast, British pork and chestnut stuffing, maple cured smoked British bacon, cranberry and port sauce, mayonnaise with spinach on malted bread.

It’s a first time for Sainsbury’s on the world’s best loved Christmas sandwich digital diary. And if you’re a fan of Brexit, you must like the good old list of British ingredients there, none of those foreign ingredients coming in and taking the job you never applied for/were never qualified for/too good for! And loads of pork for you daft racists (you know what I’m saying wink wink nudge nudge).

There’s a nice little twinkly pattern on the packing to make it stand out from the other sandwiches in the fridge near the cigarettes, making it a bit more Christmassy without mentioning the word Christmas, because they banned Christmas you know. But don’t worry, all of your sandwiches will have Christmas written on them after we trigger Article 50, you just won’t have enough money to be able to pay for the inflated price of the sandwich but that was nothing to do with leaving the EU it’s all scaremongering, what do they know?

Anyway enough of that, onto the sandwich itself! Well at first bite, it seems a bit generic, even a bit rubbery dare I say! But then that cranberry and port sauce kicks in and plays off the stuffing, it’s a good solid Christmas flavour. Tastes like my first bite of Christmas. My only real complaint would be the spinach – it just doesn’t sit right. Get out of here spinach, go back to where you came from you freeloading vermin. We want honest Christmas ingredients for honest Christmas sandwiches!